Friday, October 30, 2009

Maybe that WOULD work...

I have great news to share.  I've finally started writing again.  (doing the happy dance!) doot! doot!

Screenplays are my thing, horror more specifically. 

I have this one screenplay that's based on an old dream I had.  Well... not a dream.  A bloody awful nightmare.  It's about a cave below a town that has a Lovcraftian type beast residing in it.  Yes, very similar to the beast in Dean Koonts' Phantoms.

Though this story isn't really about the beast, it's about the people that live with it and rely on it.  What they have to do for it and what it does for them.  And, this screenplay is about being trapped with love between two opposing forces.

I have been chewing on this damn idea for well over 5 years now and I've always struggled with the 3rd act.  I've known the town, all its people, it's protagonist (me, I'm self centered!), her captor, the beast.  Everything.  But when it came down to the motivation I could never get it quite right.  I couldn't figure out why the protagonist would stay.  I couldn't figure out why the townspeople would feed people to a fucking thing in a cave.

Nothing ever sat right.  This morning it all slid into place.  It's love.  Fucking love.  Love and that awful strangle-hold it has on everything and everyone. 

Yup, I know how bitter that sounds.  But not even deep seated hatred will make people do the things they do for love or loss thereof. 

I've written this same screenplay about 3 times to completion.  The last time it topped 300 pages. In screenplay language that's a minute a page so... a really long movie!  Every time it didn't work so I would try to rewrite, take it back to the beginning, start all over.  Change the characters around, switch up the town from old school to modern back to old school. 

I kept getting stuck up on the same question:  What is the story question?

Uhh... I have no fucking clue.  I could never come up with a good answer to that because the story didn't really have one.  It just was.

The story question is this:  Who is the real destructive monster here?

I think that everyone has this rose-tinted view of selfless, altruistic love.  That, if mutual love between two people was destroying one of them, of COURSE the other would let them go. 

No... no you probably wouldn't.  And the one dying probably wouldn't let go either.  Because that's not how love works. 

Husbands shoot their wives over this. 

Mothers kill their children over this.

People commit suicide over this.

Love is a crazy, irrational thing. 

Most of the time it's beautiful and fun and everything it's talked up to be.  But sometimes it's a nightmare.  A heart rending nightmare.

So THAT is what this screenplay is about.  Could you turn your back on love to save your loved one's life?  How far would you push it?  How far would you fight over that person?  Could you let them go or would you keep pulling until you rip them in two?

Yes, it's a bitter screenplay.  No, it's not based on any one specific event.  (In my mind I can just imagine the big sighs of relief from a few readers.)

In all reality, this screenplay comes from me.  I'm the thing in the cave.  At first I thought I was the protagonist, but the more I started to chew on the story, the more I realized what I'd done. 

A friend of mine recently hit the nail on the head when he asked me if I considered myself to me self-loathing.  Umm. duh.  ;-)  Of course I am!  That's where the original nightmare came from!   The cave and the thing in it are my mind's representation of ME!  I am the thing I'm afraid of.  And God Forbid anyone else get near me/it.  It's poison!  Even if it does mean well. 

I have this subconscious VERY conscious fear of poisoning the people around me with the same negativity that's rolling around in my head.  I'm always very aware of the need to put on a happy face for those around me because if I don't I might drive them away or, even worse, drag them down with me! 

It would be nice if I could just become a recluse, keeping everyone at arms length.  But it's hard to be alone and it's so nice to find someone to talk to.  It's even nicer to find someone to love.  Then the fear sets it.  The fear of rejections, the fear of driving them away, the fear of making them miserable. 

I want to make people laugh!  I don't want to upset a loved one that makes me so happy.  But I do.  Damnit! 

So, that's what the screenplay is about.  It's that poison on all sides.  When it all goes terribly wrong.  Something I doubt you'll find in the RomCom section of the video store anytime soon! 

Oh!  And just to lighten the mood a bit.  Here's a joke!

What to Vegan Zombies eat?   





answer:  GRAAAAAAINSS!!!


(Thank you to TDS for that joke.  It's STILL making me giggle!  HAhahaha)

Sunday, October 25, 2009

I swear it's not like that...


This has been my go to phrase for the past few weeks.  It's surprisingly versitile in all sorts of situations.  Those of you who've been on the business end of that phrase will get a kick out the honorable mention (I hope). 

So, to use it again.  I know I have missed a week with the blogging, but I swear it's not like that!  I've not been lazy, I've been fairly productive and that's been taking me away from the computer screen.

TDS and I have started to lift more consistantly, been good with my running, and have managed to take Robbie's class and work on my Thai every other day.  So, all in all, not bad.  Not great, but not bad.  I'm honestly very happy with what little improvement I've seen because it's been so long since I've moved in that positive direction. 

Part of what has helped is me starting to drag poor old TDS with me.  He's not been feeling too spry lately due to life and work stress, or what I like to call 'Complications of Reality', so it's been good for me to have to get up the energy to yell at him over the phone in the am to get him here.  Once I've done that I can't very well sit on my butt and watch him work out. Well, I could, but I can't live it down later.  :)

He and I have started rolling Jiu Jitsu in the morning, which has been surprisingly unawkward.  For those of you not familiar with Jits, it's a very up close type of wrestling and grappling.  It can make for a VERY awkward day when a guy and girl are rolling.  Just go google 'guard position' and think about that one.  But, TDS is all professionalism and I'm all 'must KILL HIS FACE' so awkwardness doesn't really have time to set in. :)

Nope.  Can't see how this would be awkward..  :-/


I do have my problems with Jiu Jitsu, however.  I don't retain it well.  I feel weird rolling with most girls (though the Lady Instructor for my old Jiu Jitsu class is an exception.  At that point I'm just trying not to die.).  I'm not sure what it is about girls that weirds me out.  I happen to be a girl and I'm not gay so there's no awkwardness.  I just always feel like I'm doing something wrong or I'm missing some secret 'girl' communication.  I always feel out of the loop.  Weird, ya?

So, the obvious solution to that problem (besides therapy) would be to switch over to the guys classes.  Well, I thought about it and there are a few problems.  First: the guys in the Jiu Jitsu program here are fucking douchebags at about a 75% Douche to 25% tolerable ratio.  I have no idea what it is about the Jits guys here but the are so Douchebaggey that they've even lost the ability to make eye contact and return a friendly 'hello'.   So, fuck them in the ear with a screw driver. 

Second: It costs and I'm a broke monkey.  :)  I'd rather spend my money on books and food.  Thanks.

Third: Rolling with the big Jiu Jitsu guys, or any big guy, scares me.  It actually makes me panic.  Even rolling with TDS on Monday made me get panicky and short of breath.  And he's as sweet as can be.  He's the human equivalent of a yellow lab if you will.  He can bite, but why would he? 

I've put a lot of thought into it and it's something to do with the big, crushing weight of the big guys.  Now, Jits is a sport designed for small people.  It's physics and physiology used together to mess up a big person's day.  Realistically, a person my size with Jits knowledge is way more dangerous to me than a person who is the size of TDS.  But I can't get over it.  There's that very real fear of someone that big just planting on me and me not being able to do anything.  That totally weak and powerless feeling.  I hate that feeling.  I have basically wrapped my whole life around being snappy enough to keep big guys from thinking they can do that to me.  But it's still there. 

It sucks!

So, Jits with TDS has become less about actually learning the Jits (which I do want to learn) and more about overcoming that fear.  Because the second I get scared, I lose. 

So poor TDS gets to try to roll with me knowing that I am TERRIFIED of what is happening.  I do feel pretty bad about it but there's not much else for it.  In a weird way it kinda helps because I find myself convincing him that I'm okay so often that I start convincing myself that I'm okay.   Whatever works, I guess.  :)

We've been hoping we can find a 3rd person to roll with.  Someone a little closer to my size.  Partially to give TDS a break from scaring the crap out of me and partially since TDS is so big and I'm so small it's really hard for me to do simple things, like lock him in guard position.  It would also be nice if they were a guy. You know, we're looking for the ideal 3rd member!  I did get a spark of interest from Little C a few days ago, and he would be perfect, but I doubt he would actually do it.  Or if he did it wouldn't be for more than a day. He's the big man on the thai floor and I don't think he can handle going back to square one.  Just sayin'.



So, on to the workouts.. Since I've missed a few days I'll start with Monday because I just cannot remember back that far.

Mon: Did legs with TDS   I failed to look at the weights but we did Leg Press, Squats, Calf Raises, and Hamstring curls.  I could NOT do the leg extentions due to knee pain and neither could TDS.  It's a bad machine.   

Tuesday: Rolled Jits with TDS. My ass and inner upper thighs were SORE! Trying to lock the guard on him was a workout all on its own.
AND!
 Did the most gawd awful sprints I've ever done in my life! They're Little C's new favorite thing and they nearly killed me.   Here's how they go:

Start off on the treadmill with a .75 mile warm up jog. Then set the treadmill to your lowest jog speed and crank the treadmill up to it's maximum incline. The sprints go as follows:

On for 40 sec,
Rest 40sec and up the speed by .5 mph
On for 40 sec,

Rest 40sec and up the speed by .5 mph
On for 40 sec,
Rest 40sec and up the speed by .5 mph
On for 40 sec,

Rest 40sec and up the speed by .5 mph
On for 40 sec to a minute
Rest for 40 sec and keep the speed the same
On for 40 sec,
Rest for 40 sec and lower speed by .5mph
On for 40 sec,

Rest for 40 sec and lower speed by .5mph
On for 40 sec,

Rest for 40 sec and lower speed by .5mph
On for 40 sec,

Rest for 40 sec and lower speed by .5mph
on for 40 sec. 
Rest for a minute
So at this point you should be right back where you started. 

Now, the way 'I' was doing sprints, we'll call it the 'rational way' was to finish it off with a 1.5 mile jog at no incline since distance incline hurts my shins, calves, hip, and back. 

The Little C method adds on to the 'rational sprints'.  They go as follows:

Reduce incline to half the maximum incline. 
After your minute rest, hop back on the treadmill and go for a minute at your slowest jog.

Then without a rest, up the speed .5mph and go for another minute.

Then up the speed .5mph and go another minute.

Then up the speed .5mph and go another minute.

Then up the speed .5mph and go for 2 minutes.

Then reduce speed by .5mph for a minute, then reduce again for another minute, and so on until you hit your slowest jog.

Then kill the incline and give your legs a good 10 minute cool down jog/walk.

I honestly thought I'd be fine until I got to the minute right before  my max speed.  Then my legs started to scream.  I made it all the way through, but it's definitely going to be a 'once a week' type deal for a few months until I build up some endurance.  Yikes!  It hurt to sit after that.

I also came back and did Robbie's Technique class Tuesday night, which I thoroughly enjoyed.  PLUS Robbie held pads for me!  It was like having Sem back!  Tons'o'fun!  I got kicked in the right quad a lot though and that wasn't so much fun.  :)  It wasn't because I wasn't blocking, it was what Robbie calls 'conditioning'.  I like to call it 'Trainer Amusement'.
I also learned a cool  left kick from Little C to help build up my balance and left leg endurance.  Basically, you shoot off that left kick and then pull it back into its blocking position without letting it hit the ground.  To keep from swinging around you post your right hand on the bag.  Then when you're ready, pop the leg to the ground and fire it off really fast.

It's all one super fast movement from block, to ground, to kick, and back to block.  I can do about 10 and then my left leg falls off.  Little C can do about 100 while having a conversation with someone.  8-I 

Wednesday: NATHING!  I fell of the band wagon pretty hard and took TDS with me.  I haven't been drinking coffee lately and I OD'd on it Wednesday.  I had also forgotten to eat so half a pot of coffee on an empty stomach left me feeling really shakey with a resting heart rate of  90 to 110bpm.  I felt awful. 

TDS came and picked me up to go do weights but I couldn't get my HR low enough so we ended up hanging out for an hour and chatting.  I did get a lot of chores done so I can't complain. 

Thurs: Felt much better this morning and was able to get some lifting in with TDS.  We did chest today.

Dumbell press:  Warmed up with 25lbs to sets of 10 reps. 

Then did 30lbs for 3 sets, 8/6/6.  I had no problem with the 25lbs and couldn't lift the 35's.  Apparently it's a very fine line there.

Incline Press: 3 sets, first of bar cuz I's scared.  Did 10 reps no problem.  2nd set with 10lbs at 8 reps.  3rd set with 20lbs at 6 reps.  Pretty easy.

Superset Dumbell Fly with pushups.  (I can do more pushups than TDS can!  HAHAHAHA!!)

First set: 15lbs 10 reps (easy!) 20 pushups.
2nd set: 20lbs 8 reps (still easy!) 15 pushups.
3rd set: 20lbs 6 reps.  (not easy at all! UG!) 10 pushups.  <--Those were still easy. 

So, not a bad weight day.  Much easier than legs, though. 

I don't think I'll run today because my chest is still sore from yesterday.  Definitely a bad feeling.



Srsly.  Liberty Park is so beautiful!  Can't. Stop. Taking. Pictures!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I think it's time to clear the air....

I have the cold from hell.  I caught it from the gym.  I think I caught it from a sparring partner last night.  So today I've been kicking around and doing a lot of thinking.  Dangerous... I know. 

So let's start off with my Daily Picture.  Today's pic I've had on my hard drive for a few months now.  I didn't take it myself, I snagged it from the Guardian UK.  I thought it was beautiful and I stashed it away in a file on my computer that is specifically for things that I want to use as subjects to draw and paint. 


Stephen Gately on the set of Credo.


For those of you who don't know, that is Stephen Gately and as of last weekend, he is very fucking dead in real life.   He died at 33 years of age, left behind a pretty successful musical career as a boy band heart throb (called Boyzone!  LOL!!), a civil marriage, a fledgling theatrical career, and an unfinished children's book.  

Before this weekend I never knew his name, nor had I ever listened to him or his band perform, forgot about his movie Credo about 10 seconds after I saved this image to my hard drive last May.  In fact, I even forgot about this picture itself until about 2 hours ago when I stumbled across it looking for something to draw.

So why post it today?  Well, for someone I forgot, and to be perfectly honest, for someone I never cared existed, Mr Gately's death has managed to hit me in two unexpected ways.   Who knew!?

The first way.  Mr Gately, as he's aged, looks very much like someone I care dearly about.  There are pictures of Mr Gately that are downright eery in their similarity in facial expression and structure to my friend.   


Normally this sort of thing wouldn't really bother me.  I've dated a lot of people and after the relationship is over I really don't give a shit what happens to them.  I don't really want to talk to them anymore.  They're gone.  So what.  They, themselves, could die tomorrow and I really wouldn't give a shit.  


But this Ex is different.  This Ex is still a friend of mine.  It's a situation that I'm not used to and, to be honest, it's heart rending to me.   I would love nothing more than to be done with the whole thing just to save myself the pain of it, but the thought of hurting this person (usually not a concern, to be honest) is something that I don't think I could ever forgive myself for.   And, in a more selfish light, dating this Ex was like being in the sunlight, and without him it's very cold.  To be without him completely, I'm afraid, would be very dark indeed.  


I could go on and on about The Ex but it would be pointless.  I can summarize it pretty easily.  The whole relationship was doomed and it was one of the healthiest things to happen to me and probably one of the least healthy things to happen to him.   Different religions, different interests, different groups of friends, different needs for the future.  Not even different, conflicting!


I knew that the relationship was doomed right from the start.  But it was a very different relationship for me than it was for him.  Where I was soaking up the positive influences, he was drowning in my negative influences.  Where I was willing to fight through, compromise, and turn a blind eye to irreconcilable differences; he was being haunted by them in his own heart and with the help of his friends.   Where I was really happy, he was not. 


Doomed!  


So since the bust up it's been in a weird state of limbo.  We're not quite friends.  I don't have to dance around subjects with my friends.  I don't want to hear about his girl friends, I don't want to tell him about mine.  I see him so rarely that when we DO spend time together I feel incredibly pressured to make it a fun experience.  


I feel like I poisoned him and I don't want to continue the process.  And I feel like I owe him for all the good he's done for me.  


I can talk to my friends about how I've been struggling lately.  I can't talk to The Ex about it because I want him to be free of me.  I'm heavy.  He flies. 


So, I try to avoid him.  Ya, not healthy, but whatever!  When I'm happy I don't have a problem.  But when I get bummed out all I want to do is go whining to The Ex so he can make me feel better, like he always does.  It's unfair to him because I'm unhappy so often.  Even I get tired of it. 


I'd been doing pretty good lately.  I've been bummed and stressed, I've been very good about spreading out the heaviness to unsuspecting close aquantances and carrying my own weight.  Then the Gately pics started to pop up.  SO much like the Ex.   


It ate at me.  I'm usually so desensitized, but THIS bothered me.  Soured my whole mood, in fact.  It's been rough.  I had to text The Ex to make sure in my irrational mind that he was okay.  LOL!  

It's just proof that I'm loosing my edge.  ;-)



So that's one way. 


 The other way has to do a little bit more with THIS picture specifically.   

I love horror.  I love horror movies and literature and art and EVERYTHING!  I love gore, both real and theatrical.  My favorite sites are Liveleak, Rotten.com, and Arrow In The Head.  

I'm not afraid of dead people and I'm fascinated by death.  I love watching autopsies and crime scenes and violent cinema.  I know the difference between the two.  I know innocent people die and they have families and they deserved much more from life.  

I want nothing more than to send people who inflict the things I see to prison for the rest of their lives.  I want to see what happens when someone gets shot in the head, and I want to make sure it doesn't happen again.  

What I DON'T DO is get any sort of sexual or weird kicks out of seeing gore.  I'm desensitized but I have morals and values.  I donate what little spare money I can to feed and provide medical care to the poor and abandoned, both human and animal.  I don't even eat animal products!  

When I look at horror I look at it as a kind of roller coaster.  It's scary and fascinating and fun when no one gets hurt.  It makes the really scary things in life less scary somehow and it makes me appreciate how nice and wonderful I have things.  And the kind of horror I like can be very beautiful.  Like today's daily picture.   


I have seen some very terrible things.  I have been the victim of terrible, horrible things and have done horrible things myself.  My whole life is a mix of incredibly beautiful and terrifying.  To me, they are essential to one another.  I guess it has seeped into my sense of aesthetics. 


Which brings me to the 2nd way that Stephen Gately's death caught me off guard:


I love Rue Morgue Magazine.  I used to have a subscription.  The artwork was beautiful, there were movie reviews, literary reviews, music, games, artwork.  It's a stylish, beautiful, and thoughtful horror magazine.   It can also be a very sexually charged magazine.  Horror and sexuality are incredibly interrelated and getting one without a healthy dose of the other is nearly impossible.  

The combination of sex and horror is not really my thing.  I don't find 'sex' all that attractive.  I don't look at handsome men and get turned on.  I don't watch sex scenes and get worked up.  It bores me.  It's not what I find attractive in real life.  I'm a sucker for nice, wonderful, intelligent, innocent people.  Totally different ball game.    


So when I would read Rue Morgue I would sort through the sexual chaffe for the content that I loved and found beauty in.  Today's daily pic is a key example of what I like.  Stephen Gately was beautiful.  In my eye it's an incredible mix of genuine niceness and horror.  It's beautiful and breathtaking.  It's play!  Like he's about to go scare teenagers at the local haunted house.  It makes me smile back at the pic and for me it takes the bite out of the real horrors of the world.



Well, I had a big stack of Rue Morgue magazines on my coffee table.  It was something that I usually kept away from The Ex because I knew it was something that he would find unsettling.  I forgot this time.  


When I came back into the room I found The Ex flipping through the magazines.  I almost hoped he would find it nothing more than 'interesting'.  He then said the most painful and hurtful thing I've ever had said to me:

"This is porn."


Coming from someone who is very Christian, anti porn, anti sex before marriage, this was a slap in the face of the worst kind.  


To be disapproved of  so harshly from someone I love so much.  


Then, after that sting faded, I realized I'd been hurt in another way.  Someone I cared so much about.  Someone that I learned inside and out, turned my life upside down for, spent hours a day learning new things about.   He didn't know me well enough to know what I was looking at.   The same thing that made the Rue Morgue paletable was the same thing that attracted me to him.  The beauty, intelligence, virtue, and innocence.  Even in horror there is moral guidance. 



He assumed I was looking at the sex, because that's all he saw.  I spent so much time looking at things how he looked at them, but he wasn't capable or interested in doing the same.   


I still haven't forgiven him for it.  He never asked what it was I saw and I was too hurt by it to even try to explain myself.   


That Gately pic reopened that nasty old wound.  It still stings.  


So, the death of a random stranger who happens to be fairly photogenic has managed to create some interesting inner turmoil.    


All that aside, I hope that Mr Gately is resting peacefully.  I hope that, even though he was a public figure, the public treats him and his legacy with care and repect.  And I wish the best for his friends and family. 


Today's workout:


I ran for an hour yesterday and then sparred and, somewhere during that adventure, I picked up a cold. 


I woke up today feeling like I'd been hit by a bus.  I was able to do a little footwork and I was able to run 3 miles at 6mph (FINALLY!!  WOO HOO!! I'm up to speed!!) but after that I was pretty spent.


I may only run tomorrow, I'm not sure.  If TDS comes in I will hold pads for him as well and possibly I will lift (legs).

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Another Book.. and WHERE THE HELL is my rain?!


My favorite boxer of all time..


Jack Johnson was the world's first black heavy weight champ.  He was also in incredible human being.  Interesting in all aspects.  Smart, talented, confident, arrogant, petty, well-spoken, and extravagent beyond what was thought possible of a black man in America at that time.

I LOVE Jack Johnson.  Come to find out, he was an incredible boxer as well!  If any of you are fans of boxing and haven't heard of Mr.  Johnson then you have a HUGE gap in your boxing knowledge.  You really need to look him up.

To be honest, I've had this book for a while.  I've been reading pages here and there but haven't had a chance to tuck into it yet.  It's not a matter of 'finding time' or 'finding interest'.  It's a matter of narrowing my 'books to be read' stack to a readable number.  


The 'Must Read' Stack. 


I'm also chewing through a few Audio books as well.  Because I don't have enough to do with my eyes, I need to read with my ears as well.  :)

So for these next two weeks I'm going to concentrate on reading and then reviewing Unforgivable Blackness.  After that, who knows.  

Now, on to life!  Life has been a little rough around the edges this week.  Lay offs have hit my friends hard, there's been some strife, politics, and petty bickering at both jobs, and the seasonal colds have started making the rounds.  

I've been fairly lucky to avoid the bite of all this drama and I'm hoping that my luck in this regard will hold and hopefully spread to my friends.  They could most certainly use the rest.  


 Fall is here.. wOOt!!

I'm happy to report that, even with all the drama, I am starting to feel much better.  FALL is HERE!  YEAH!  Leaves are turning red.  It's not so f***ing hot outside! All that's missing is the Damn RAIN!

 

  The forecast says it should be raining right now..  B-I

I can handle the bright weather right now, but on Friday I'm going shopping for all my winter gear so Mr. Weather had better start stepping it up next week or I'm gonna be pissed.  

On to today's workout:  I haven't done it yet!  Hahaha..  I seem to have a bit of a cold today so I've been chillin' with my french press coffee and waiting till TDS gets off work. 


French Press.  Mmmm...

Tonight we'll do a Thai Class and a little lifting, which will be legs I think.  I also have taken up the task of getting TDS running.  This is apparently something he hates so we can trade off.  He can make me lift and I can make him run.  We're also working on trading off between Thai and Jiu Jitsu.  He can make me roll, and I can kick him in the head.  

On my part I am feeling better and better now that I can run without struggling with the shin splints.   My knee has been achy from the old shoes but that will be over early next week with my purchase of new shoes.  I will be buying the exact same type of shoes with the exact same type of inserts.  If it ain't broke, don't fix it.  I have to admit that I am now terrified of falling into improper shoes again.  Maybe later on I'll branch out into some trail runners.  Maybe during the spring.  

 

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I came, I saw, I cleaned the shit out of it..

Post cleaning/Pre cleaning


So, after last night's spanking we ended up dead today. I guess everyone who had money to eat did so last night.

For those of you who don't work in the restaurant industry I'll let you in on a little secret. Desirable servers have OCD. Wash your hands 90 to 100 times a day? GREAT! Feel the need to polish water spots off of all the silverware and glassware rather than let it air dry like a normal human being? THAT'S WONDERFUL!! Feel the need to clean compulsively
whenever there is a lull in business? You are HIRED!! HIRED!!

Today my lovely (that lovely part isn't sarcasm, I LOVE my coworker, she's f-ing FUN!) coworker and I scrubbed all the base moulding and walls and started the never-ending death-march job of scrubbing the legs of all the chairs. As you can see from today's picture, we had our work cut out for us. The place a filthy!! :)

Honestly, I know this will sound a bit weird, but today was FUN! I made enough to get my phone turned back on AND I got to do my new fave thing in the world. CLEAN FILTHY STUFF!!

On to today's workout. Umm.. It was NOTHING!! It still hurts to breathe and I REALLY want to heal up so I can punch stuff.

I do have tomorrow off so I'm gonna head to the gym and enjoy my time. :)

I also started my Vegan Nutrition Mastery Program this week as well so I'm going to start posting about that program. So far it looks like it's going to be fun and informative. I hear that I get a nifty certificate at the end when I'm done.

Also, I'm gonna take a nice ride so hopefully I'll have something a little more interesting than blackened chair legs to post.


SNUGGLE TIME!! Hopefully this will make up for the dirty chair legs.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Quick Daily Pic..


Fall = Less Children!

Just thought I'd throw this Daily Picture up really quick before I hit the futon. Most of the time I try to find other places to take pictures but Liberty Park is so pretty sometimes that I always seem to fall back on it.

During the summer the park is usually packed with children so I spend my commute just trying to avoid it, but starting with the first cold snap of fall the park empties out and becomes the favorite part of my day.

I also got a good pic demonstrating classic kitty snuggling behavior.


Each kitty adds 10 minutes to my wake up time.


Today was a weak workout day. My back is still buggin' me and, to be honest, I'm still a bit lazy and demotivated. The only thing that saved me was TDS pushing me to get off my ass. HOORAY!

TDS and I did the first track of the Bas Rutten CD (brutal!!) and then followed it up with some weights. My new game with Bas is to end every combo with a kick. If the combo ends in a left hand I'll throw a right kick, and vice versa. And in the 3 hooks and 2 knees combo I throw 3 hooks and two fast kicks.

If any of you do Bas Rutten, try this some time. It's brutal but it's GREAT for the cardio.

We did back today which, in hindsight, was a pretty stupid idea on my part. TDS voiced his concern more than once but I am not one to be told I can't do something. ( must.. Do.. EVERYTHING!! Cannot show weakness!!!)

We started with Seated Row. Once again, I barely looked at the weights so I really have no idea what I was lifting. I know, terrible.

10/10/8/10 with gradually higher weights.

(back felt good)

Then we moved over to Lat Pull starting at 75lbs, then I think 90lbs on the last set.
10/10 (I cheated a bit on this set)/ 10. TDS did my body weight's worth and I wanted to punch him in order to reassert my dominance. ;-)

(Back still felt pretty good, wrist was tired. Weird!)

Then I tried to do the dumbbell row. I knelt over the bench, put my left hand on the bench and picked up the dumbbell with my right hand. As soon as I got into position and relaxed my left shoulder a touch POW!!! My upper back seized up.

For a second I couldn't breathe and I couldn't feel my left arm. I put the weight down and sat down for a bit while my left arm went numb, then my shoulder, neck, and back started to throb. Not fun. Mind you I did this with a 25lbs weight. I shadowbox with 10 pounders and don't even break a sweat so this was kind of a kick in the pants.

On the plus side, now I know 100% what the trigger movement is to aggravate the injury. Before it would just set off randomly but now I know the movements to avoid. That will make it much easier to let it heal since it is physically impossible for me not to work out.

Since I couldn't breathe properly I decided to skip the run today but I will hopefully be able to get up bright and early tomorrow morning and knock out a 5 mile before work.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Burnout.. Oh ya!


This sign says, "Good Karma".


I've finally been called out for not posting by my dear friend (we'll call him) Talk, Dark & Southern, or TDS. He's right. I've become lousy at blogging. I've actually become lousy at doing just about anything other than working, eating, and sleeping! And lately I've been failing pretty hard in the sleeping department as well. Though, I do have some very good news.

I finally isolated the trigger for my shin splints. Hint: they fit on your feet!

Yup, my nifty Aasics broke my legs. This is a bummer for me since they weren't cheap and they feel GREAT to run on and walk in...until my shins start to cramp up. So I'm back to my old as dirt Sauconies until I can afford to buy a new pair.
Bad shoes..
Happy Shoes!!



As far as Muay Thai and Boxing, I have to admit that I'm starting to feel the burnout. I think it's a self esteem thing combined with the general crankyness of not being able to do much more with my time other than survive.

Part of the problem is that my weight has crept back up to 145lbs due to a combination of being depressed as dirt (yes, I am human.. barely!) and not being able to run like I used to. Now I feel fat and don't want to be seen being all 'jiggly' while trying to work out. Silly, I know, but it KILLS the motivation that I was already struggling with in the first place.

On top of that, when I'm at work all I want to do is go do something else. Clean my apartment, do homework and study, paint, draw, write, knit, clean, ANYTHING ELSE but be at work. It's not the job. I love my job! I clean, I get to teach people and help them become better at what they want to do, and I work with a pretty awesome group of people. It's just that I've been so stressed, depressed, and without an outlet that all I want to do is be home, alone, and accomplishing something. Working out doesn't count for me and neither does 'doing a good job'. I need to create something. Until I do the ideas float around in my head eating at me, distracting me, keeping me from proofreading my texts and facebook posts before I hit 'send' (ya, that's it. Totally!), and just generally screwing up my ability to do anything requiring braincells.

Another funny (and sort of sad) quirk of mine is that I can't do ANYTHING until my apartment is clean. And I'm not talking 'I tidied up and vacuumed' clean. Oh no. I'm talking about busting out the carpet steam cleaner, the mop bucket, spray bottles filled with oh so many cleaners, and going to town until all dirt, grime, cat hair, ferret poop, chain grease, and dust has been vanquished! No space is safe. Hiding behind a fully stocked bookshelf? Not for long Mr Dust Bunny, your doom in nigh!

Now, as you can see, I'm writing right now. This means that I'm creating, which I think may give you an indication of how I spent yesterday. I even bleached the grout in my bathroom to a nice, crisp white. (insert big, happy deep breath right here)
Oh ya.. that's it riiiiight there..




I even took a few pictures this morning to post as Daily Pictures. Remember that? I started it almost a year ago and then promptly dropped it off my To Do list in a fit of unparalleled lazyness. Well, I haven't forgotten and I'm trying really hard to bring it back. No, REALLY!



I took a few extra pics.. cuz with models like this, who wouldn't?



So that's where things are at right now. I'm grumpy, antisocial, and lazy, but I'm starting to feel a little better.

Today's workout was a little lifting with TDS. I bailed on the thai today and managed to demotivate TDS as well (such is my gift) and he got to watch me embarass myself with heavy objects instead. What makes it worse is being a novice and being around someone who is quite good at lifting. I'm hoping people don't feel that way about me when I'm teaching them...unless we're sparring, then I want them pissing themselves in terror. >:-)

We did Chest today (I did chest, he helped). :\

Bench: 10 Warmup/ 5/ 5/ and I think 5. During this, TDS learned a very interesting fact about my muscles; they can go 100% until they're done and then they are DONE! There's no 'in between' and the failure is sudden. I was doing these at 85lbs which felt easy right up until my muscles decided they didn't, and then they were impossible.

Incline Barbell: 10 / 10 / 10?. 25lbs for the first 2 and that felt easy until my L. arm gave and I nearly gave myself a black eye. 20lbs for the last set which felt fine until the same thing happened again.

I kinda wish I had some wiggle room in between "hey! this is CAKE" and "Arms. Like. NOODLES!!" Just sayin'.

Then Machine Fly: Felt easy, have NO IDEA what it was set on. I didn't think to look. 8-I Left arm started to give a touch at the end as well but it wasn't a 100% failure, just 90% or so. (shrug)

So now that I'm home I think I'm gonna kick around, draw, and relax in my nice clean place. I switched out today's run for a 10 mile bike ride in the Aves due to knee pain.